MIDNA MUST NOT BE IN BRAWL
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: Midna is worse than Sonic, Midna is ugly, Midna is a stupid name, Midna is the worst Zelda character ever, Midna ate my dog, Midna is way overpowered, Midna made TP suck, and therefore MIDNA MUST NOT BE IN BRAWL. It's slightly random. Slightly. R&R.


**_MIDNA MUST NOT BE IN BRAWL_**  
because she ate my dog  
(by tiki)

Just imagine – what will happen when the new Smash Bros game comes out? Well, it'll be great for people who actually just want to play the game, but for those people who spend more time writing fanfics than actually playing, it will be extremely difficult to cope with the changes to the character roster, and settings, and gameplay modes, and… everything.  
…I'm not sure how that relates to the story, but I can sure sound intelligent when I need to.

* * *

_"It's only an epigraph, you stupid beast!"  
_–Midna

The Smash Brothers were all enjoying their _lives_, spending their days fighting in fun little tournaments organised by the not-entirely-scrupulous Master Hand. Sure, quite a few of them had spent so much time in these tournaments that they had quit their day jobs (Team Star Fox had disbanded in the middle of a coin battle, and Bowser and Ganondorf had run out of time for kidnapping and world domination). But they were having fun, and enjoying themselves, and everything was absolutely wonderful.

Sure, Master Hand introduced a new Smasher into the mix every now and then, but it was all fairly harmless fun. Well, Meta Knight had had a bit of trouble integrating…

_"So, where's the engine room?" said Meta Knight.  
"Uh, we don't have one," said Kirby. "It's a mansion, not a ship."  
Meta Knight's eyes glowed with rage._

…and Snake might have qualified as anti-social…

_"I'll kill you all," said Snake frankly. "Each and every one of you."  
Everyone's heads snapped up.  
"What?" said Mario.  
Snake jumped under his box to hide. "Try to find me now, idiots!" he cried._

…and nobody had untied Pit from the tree since that fateful day a couple of weeks ago, but besides all that everybody seemed quite happy about all the newcomers and everything.

"Hey, Wario," said Kirby, as they ate at the dinner table, "pass me the salt."

Wario passed him the salt.

"No, no," said Kirby, shoving it back, "do it like in one of those… game things."

Wario threw the salt at him.

"Cool," said Kirby, and the kids whistled appreciatively too.

Across the table, the adults .

"I'll kill you all," said Snake, but he lacked the conviction he'd once had.

"Sure, sure," said Samus. She bit into a forkful of steak.

"That's impossible," said Snake. "You're still wearing that helmet."

"Watch closely," said Samus.

Samus lifted a spoonful of purple peas to her mouth.

Snake held his breath.

Samus opened her mouth from inside the helmet.

Snake blinked.

The food was gone from the spoon.

"Grr!" said DK. "I nearly saw it that time!"

"Wait," said Snake. "Did we all just blink at exactly the same time?"

"Uh…" said Samus.

Before the conversation could go any further, Master Hand floated in through the giant doors. He forgot to open them, though, so they went flying off their hinges and collapsed onto Luigi, trapping him underneath. Nobody noticed.

"Where were you all?" said Master Hand angrily. "I've been looking all over for you!"

"We… were at… dinner…" said Link.

"Where you asked-a us to be," added Mario.

"Oh," said Master Hand. He sighed. "Well, good job turning up!"

Silence.

"Anyway, I was planning on introducing the latest addition to the Smash Brothers. Our newest newcomer!"

"Yay!" everyone cheered.

"She's a little nervous," added Master Hand in a stage whisper, "but if you talk to her I'm sure you'll all come to love her."

Everyone started whispering amongst themselves.

"Another girl?" said Fox disdainfully. "Just what we need."

"Excuse me," huffed Zelda, "we women are _woefully_ underrepresented in the Smash Mansion. I'm actually quite glad of this!"

"Yeah," said Captain Falcon. "Hear, hear! More ladies to go around."

"Hmph," said Zelda snobbishly.

"Hmph," said Marth and Roy, who were… well… you know… yaoi…

Master Hand ignored all the whispers and making-out and pronounced, "I will now announce the name of the newest Smasher!"

"Woo," said everyone with little enthusiasm.

"It's… Midna!" cried Master Hand.

Everybody cheered, and Midna the imp floated into the room… sexily.

The adverb was well-deserved – from her scary yellow-red eyes down to her complete lack of any corporeal form, she was an absolute jaw-dropper.

"Hi," said Midna in a timid, sexy little voice, waving a hand shyly (and sexily).

"Hi!" said everybody who was still able to speak.

Midna coughed sexily, and said, "Well, it's nice to be here, and… what? _What_? Why are you all staring at me?"

"I think they're making you feel welcome," said Master Hand.

"Oh," said Midna sexily. "Well, that's nice." She grinned sexily. "I think I could get used to this. Ee hee hee!" She floated to the table, and settled into a seat in a completely non-sexual way. (sexily.)

"Wow," muttered Marth. "Screw the yaoi, this looks awesome."

"_Men_," scoffed Peach, straightening her crown proudly. "To think that anybody would like a silly little… monster thing like that!" She waved, trying to get Zelda's attention.

Fox glanced at her.

"I mean," said Peach, "non-humans are just so totally _ugly_, aren't they?"

Fox's face fell a little bit.

"I kind of don't like all those non-human Smashers," said Peach. "They're all weird, and… and stinky…" She pinched her nose.

Fox's face fell a little bit more.

"I hate them, actually," said Peach quite suddenly. "They're just so ugly and stupid and scary and _disgusting_."

Fox slumped onto the table, crying.

"Hi Fox!" said Peach flirtatiously.

Across the table, people were trying to get to know Midna.

"So…" Roy said, gawking. "Where are you from?"

"Well," said Midna, leaning back sexily in her chair, "it's kind of complicated." She sexily picked up a fork and slowly began to chew on some uncooked meat. There was nothing sexy about the meat. "I'm from a parallel world, I guess you could call it…"

All of the people around her nodded, continuing to stare.

Amusingly (and, yes, sexily) Midna had somehow failed to notice this, and she kept on going: "…I got invited to the tournament after saving the world a couple of times."

"A _couple_ of times?" said Captain Falcon.

"Yes," said Midna, straightening her helmet using her hair (sexily, of course, but there was something freaky about hand-shaped hair). "I'm so amazingly good that I've saved the world on numerous occasions."

"Wow," everyone breathed.

Midna sighed. Sexily. "Yes," she said, "it is pretty impressive, I suppose."

Everyone murmured appreciatively.

Midna bit into another chunk of uncooked meat, blood dribbling suggestively down her chin. "Good food," she said, with her mouth full, sexily.

* * *

Later, she spied Link in a hallway.

"Link!" she said, opening her arms and floating towards him. "It's good to see you!"

Link stared at her, confused.

"Do I know you?" he said.

"You don't remember me?" said Midna, frowning slightly.

"Maybe you're confusing me with somebody else with the exact same name, attire and sword," said Link by way of explanation.

Silence.

"That makes absolutely no sense…" began Midna. "You're not the Champion of all things Twilight?"

"No, actually," said Link. "I'm the legendary Hero of Time."

Puzzled silence.

Midna was trying to get a grip on this. "So… you've never had any nightmares about being kissed by that dimwit blonde from the village?"

"No," said Link.

"And you've never tried eating with your feet?" said Midna.

"Definitely not," said Link.

"And you didn't kill that barkeeper to avoid paying one dark raining night, when everyone else in town was asleep and you thought that nobody knew?"

"No… wait, what?" said Link.

"Ah, my mistake," said Midna. She smiled. "You really aren't the same person. That's confusing… I heard he was coming, and I just assumed…"

"He _killed_ a _barkeeper_?" said Link, jaw dropping.

"Well, duh," said Midna. "They overcharged everything in that town."

He still looked absolutely horrified.

"…you're going to make a big deal out of this, aren't you?" said Midna.

"My… successor… killed a random stranger…" began Link.

"Oh, he's not going to like it that I told you," mused Midna. "You've got to keep it a secret…"

"Woah, woah!" said Link. "I don't know what kind of Link _you_ know, but I'm the Hero of Time and I actually have some form of moral code! The authorities will have to know about this…"

"Um, no," said Midna.

"Well, what are you going to do?" said Link. "Kill me?"

"No," said Midna menacingly, "I'm just going to take away your_ ability to talk_!"

She bit out his throat.

"Ow!" said Link.

He died.

"That didn't quite… work out as intended," said Midna. "Eee hee hee!"

Silence.

"Sorry," said Midna.

Silence.

Snake walked in.

"Ooh, dead body!" he said. "Can I have it?"

"Sure," said Midna, backing off. "Can I ask why?"

"I'm making a collection," whispered Snake in a weird voice.

"That's… nice," said Midna.

Snake dragged Link's dead body out of the room.

* * *

"So," said Captain Falcon, "has anyone seen Link?"

"No," said Mario.

"No," said Roy.

Midna floated into the room sexily.

"Hey," said the others.

Midna grabbed a kitchen knife and started tossing it up and down in the air… erotically. "Hi, everyone," she said.

"Have you seen Link?" said Roy, trying not to drool.

"Oh, I think he left – forever," said Midna.

"What?" said everyone.

"Sorry!" Midna blushed sexily. "I'm just trying to think of a pun which says that he quit but strongly implies that he's dead."

"Um… okay," said Captain Falcon. "Like… his contract has been _terminated_?"

"That's a pretty good one," said Midna thoughtfully.

"I can do better," said Samus. "How about – Link has moved on to a _better place_?"

"Nice," said Midna, stretching her arms sexily.

Mario bit his lip.

"Yeah, that's pretty good," agreed Roy.

"What do you think, Mario?" said Midna. "You have any suggestions?"

"NO!" cried Mario, turning red and standing up. "I would-a love to, but I am in the middle of a _meaningful relationship with Peach_!"

"What?" said Midna, with sexy bewilderment.

"Did someone say my name?" said Peach, sticking her head into the room.

"Um… gotta go," said Mario, dashing out of the room, blushing furiously.

"What was that about?" wondered Midna sexily.

"Yes! Yes, I'd love to," said Captain Falcon.

Confused looks all around.

"I'm just going to go now," said Midna, eyeing everyone suspiciously, sexily, manically, sexily, confusedly, and worriedly.

She left.

Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief.

* * *

"Tonight," said Master Hand, "I'm proud to announce that we have another new Smasher!"

Everybody groaned good-naturedly.

"Who might that be?" said Ness, being the annoying smart-alec that he was.

"Why," said Master Hand, "it's Link!"

A brief momentary confused silence.

"A different Link!" added Master Hand.

"Oh," said everybody, understanding.

"Yes, that's right," said Master Hand, "I'm proud to present _another_ one of those guys in green suits who run around waving the Master Sword–"

Link walked in.

Everybody gasped.

"He looks just like Link," said Peach.

Roy looked at her weirdly.

"The one who isn't here," said Peach.

Roy gasped. "That _is_ kind of weird," he said. "They could be identical."

"Except he has nicer clothes," said Peach.

It was true. They both frowned.

"Hi," said Link awkwardly.

"Hi!" said everybody, for the eleventy-ninth time that week.

"I'm sure you'll fit in just fine," muttered Master Hand. "Now, got to go – I'm launching a new line of Smash Bros-themed wristwatches!"

He floated off.

"Can I sit down here?" said Link. (And to clarify, yes, it really was a different Link, and the reason I'm not calling him 'Link no. 2' is because the original Link is now dead. Also: pumpkin.)

"Sure," said Samus, pulling out a chair for him.

Link sat down.

An awkward silence.

"This is really messed up," commented Samus. "You look just like Link."

"There's someone else called Link?" said Link.

"Well, _duh_ yes," said Samus.

"And you look just like him," said Ganondorf.

Link jumped.

"What?" said Ganondorf.

"You're… you're…" said Link.

"Oh, _that_," said Ganondorf, sighing. "Just like the last one. I had to spend _forever_ explaining that I'm not really evil."

"But you… but you…" began Link.

"Nah," said Ganondorf, laughing, "all those murders were just part of a huge publicity stunt for my upcoming movie!"

"Wha… but…"

"It's called _Ganon Kart_," said Ganondorf. "It's going to be awesome!"

"I… I…" said Link.

"Hey, jerk," said Midna, floating sexily across the table, dragging a dead pig behind her. The pig had bite marks in it, and was knocking cups and plates to the floor as she moved.

"Midna?" said Link.

"Mm-hmm," said Midna. She took a bite out of the pig. Blood splashed everywhere, spilling all over the ice cream bowl. Most of the people at the table ignored this mildly-disgusting act as they fantasised about making out with her.

"Wow," said Link, "I haven't seen you for almost… two days or something!"

"Did you miss me?" said Midna. She (sexily) bit the pig's head off with a single bite.

"STOP!" cried Roy, standing up with Peach.

"Yes, _stop_!" cried Peach, straightening her dress.

"We cannot allow this deception to go on," continued Roy, looking directly at Link.

"Yes," said Peach, puffing herself up. "We can't."

"What are you talking about?" said Link.

"Isn't it obvious?" said Roy, addressing the room. "Link disappears for a day. Everybody says he's dead. And then this person turns up, dressed like Link – and he looks _exactly the same_! Even his _name_ is similar!"

"It is?" said Captain Falcon.

"What's 'Link' spelt backwards?" said Roy.

"Knil," said Captain Falcon.

"And what's _that_ spelt backwards?"

"L.. I… oh, my _god_," gasped Captain Falcon. "Their names are so similar!"

"Wow," said Peach, "nice thinking, Roy!"

"Why, thank you," said Roy.

"That was pretty clever, Roy," said Peach.

"Why, thank you," said Roy.

"Awww…" said everyone at the table.

Roy coughed. "Anyway, this new 'Link' person is actually _the old Link in disguise_!"

Everybody gasped.

"And… yeah," said Roy.

"That's a lie!" said Link indignantly. "I'm not anyone in disguise!"

"Prove it!" said Roy.

"Um…" said Link.

Everyone glared at Link accusingly.

"This is so stupid," said Midna. "I killed that other guy."

"Oh, well, if _Midna_ thinks that's stupid," said Roy, rolling his eyes, "then we'd all just better forget about it, huh?"

"Yeah," said everybody else, completely missing the sarcasm.

"What!?" said Roy. "How can you just ignore it? _He's an impostor!_"

"I believe you," said Peach.

They made out.

"Well," said Mario, "I guess all's well that ends well!"

"What?" said Midna sexily, standing up abruptly, sexily, and surprisingly. She sexily lifted a sexy finger of sex appeal and said – sexily, of course – "I can't believe you just said that! Peach is making out with Roy! Don't you like her?" She stared at him with awed sexy incredulity, confusion sexily evident in her eyes. Sexily, she watched as Mario blushed and mumbled something incoherent, and then Midna laughed sexily. "Oh, I see," she sexily exclaimed, "you don't really like Peach after all…" – she scratched her nose – "…do you?"

"Well, uh… um…" muttered Mario.

Silence.

"I LOVE YOU MIDNA!" shouted Mario unnecessarily loudly.

Silence.

Midna picked up the dead pig and shoved it down Mario's throat, choking him to death.

Silence.

* * *

"That crazy imp thing just killed Mario!" cried Kirby through a mouthful of cake.

"Yeah, isn't she just something?" said Young Link dreamily.

* * *

"That crazy imp thing just killed Mario!" cried Pikachu.

"Is Mario the green one?" said Jigglypuff absent-mindedly.

"No, he's the red one."

Jigglypuff gasped.

* * *

At the funeral:

"So," said Master Hand, "Mario is dead."

Everybody bowed their heads solemnly.

"We'll miss him…" added Master Hand.

A couple of people cried.

Master Hand closed his copy of _Eulogies for Noobs_ and tossed it aside. It landed in Mario's grave.

"Well," he said, "it seems like an appropriate time to announce the newest Smasher!"

Everybody looked at him angrily.

"You could call him a 'replacement Mario'!" continued Master Hand. "Seeing how much Mario sucked."

The Smashers looked extremely angry now and had started pulling out pitchforks and knives.

"Yeah, he's also accent-free! Aside from an annoying whiny horrible voice."

The Smashers started sharpening their swords and swinging their pitchforks experimentally.

Master Hand beamed. "It's Sonic!" he cried.

Riot.

* * *

Yeah, a lot of people died in the ensuing riot which spread from the graveyard to the city and then to the international Smash Bros fan community and then to the entire universe. In fact, it basically resulted in the end of civilisation. Many lives were lost, and no words can express how absolutely horrible and not-particularly-nice it was. Instead, all you need to know is that:

1) Sonic was the first to die. It was very painful. He could not run away because they chopped his legs off first.

2) Roy and Peach and Marth were happily married once the fighting ended.

3) Midna was crowned supreme queen of the universe and became the most annoying Mary Sue ever. She eventually died choking on a piece of smoked salmon. Sexily.

* * *

**THE END**

* * *

And that's what would happen if Midna became a Smasher…  
In case anybody has somehow gotten the impression that I loathe Midna, they're right. I mean, wrong. Midna is awesome. Spot how many times that six-letter word – you know which one I'm talking about – appears in the entire story. Just… because. No reason.  
Read and review! 


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